One of my good friends likes to remind me now and then of the response I gave in our grade two year book when asked the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” My reply: “An actress, a teacher, or to own my own restaurant.”
The teacher thing didn’t happen after University. Well, not in a formal setting, anyway. I teach my own children every day, and I hope I “teach” people a little something through the blogs I write. I don’t own a restaurant, yet, though it is still a dream. Once I find the investment, I hope to make it reality. But the actress goal I figured was something I could make happen a little more easily, and something I had denied myself from doing for too many years. Why? Esteem, or rather, a serious lack of it. Years of teasing and criticism from various sources (kids, teachers, and a snarky – to be polite – grandmother) left me feeling vulnerable and not very well liked, so I pushed the dream aside and ignored its constant nagging. And believe me; it stayed there, nagging, every day.
In September of 2012, I decided to answer the nag. Hearing there was to be a production of To Kill a Mockingbird – one of my all-time favourite novels – at our local community theatre, I swallowed my doubts and fears and let my dream take over, pushing me into the Palace Theatre for a script. I decided that come hell or high water, I was going to audition for the role of “Miss Maudie Atkinson”. Not an overly significant character (though significant enough) in the book and play, but one I related to and admired. I appreciated Miss Maudie’s optimism, how she used her sharp tongue for good, and the way she respected those around her. She was the type of person who I, in my life, aspired to be.
Having my mind set on Mockingbird, I originally didn’t have any interest in auditioning for the play Laughter on the 23rd Floor, but on encouragement I took a script to read anyway. I figured if nothing else, the audition would be a good warm up for Mockingbird. When I began reading the script, I realized just how much like the character “Carol” I was. A politically minded writer who enjoyed a good laugh, and a strong woman in a “man’s world”, Carol suddenly spoke to me. I began to think, “What if I got the part? Maybe I should go for it.”, and put my all into knowing the lines for the audition. The more I studied the lines, the more I wanted to be “Carol” and a part of this production.
On September 18, 2012, I walked into Procunier Hall at the Palace Theatre, dressed in a black and white polka dot dress which looked somewhat period to the setting of the play. My hair was curled, makeup applied in a 1950’s fashion, and I gathered up every ounce of confidence I could muster. Nervous and feeling completely out of my league, I put on a big smile and gave it my all. Never in a million years did I expect to get either role – Carol in Laughter, or Miss Maudie from Mockingbird – but with my 40th birthday fast approaching, I was determined to live out a dream. So onward and inward I went, and walked out of that hall a completely different person with a new found confidence. I auditioned for a play, and no harm came from it. I left the rest up to fate from there.
A few days after my Laughter audition I received a call from the director, Tim Condon, offering me the role of Carol. My face went hot, my breath caught in my chest and my heart raced. I didn’t know what to say. “Yes! I’d love to!” I said, “But you know, I haven’t done this before, right?” Tim said he understood, and they didn’t mind helping me along the way. I was their choice, and it was a chance they were willing to take. I had no clue what was in store for me, but it was exciting nonetheless. I also realized at that point that the dream of playing Miss Maudie Atkinson was going to be put on hold indefinitely, and I was taking on a very different role from the one I had originally intended to chase, but I took the part anyway.
A few weeks later, we had our first reading together as a cast. I looked around the table at the actors I would be sharing the stage with, and felt completely out of my league. All but one had previous acting experience and here I was, completely green, reading a part I wasn’t sure I was entirely cut out for. I mean, for a first role, it was pretty big! Perhaps they should have picked someone more seasoned, I thought, nearly backing out after the first night. But I wouldn’t let my fears take over again. No way, no how. This was the opportunity I had dreamed of since I was a little girl in grade two, and I was going to give it my all.
We began rehearsals in October, picking away at the lines and blocking bit by bit. There was so much to learn in what I felt was a relatively short time, and I wasn’t sure I would ever get it down. But I worked hard and kept at it, pouring my heart and soul into the character and everything that entailed. I recited my lines in my head day and night, committing them to memory and developed an idea of who I felt “Carol” was; how she would speak, act, move and react to situations. I followed the advice of the director, stage manager and my fellow actors trying to improve my performance day by day, week by week, month by month.
As rehearsals wound down and became previews, my nerves began to jump. I looked towards the exits thinking, “Maybe if I run now, they won’t find me and I can back out of this.” I was terrified. What had I gotten myself into? How were people going to react to my performance and interpretation of Carol? Would I shake so badly on stage I couldn’t get my lines out? Or worse! Would I pass out cold on the stage as soon as I entered, or vomit on the opening night? I kept telling myself, “Just get through the first audiences with the preview shows and the rest will be smooth sailing.” So that’s what I did. I focused on perfecting my lines, calming my nerves, getting through those previews upright and stomach intact, and when I accomplished that – I knew I could accomplish anything.
Last Friday night, January 18th, 2013, my long awaited dream came true. Suddenly, I was an actress performing on stage for my first opening night audience, ever. And I didn’t fall down, vomit or screw up. The audience laughed, smiled, groaned and applauded. And afterwards, they congratulated me on a job well done and told me I should do it again.
All the doubts and fears that I had carried around for nearly 40 years disappeared in those few hours. Everything I was told I couldn’t do and figured I wouldn’t do, I did. And I did it well. The dream of a little girl became the reality of a grown woman, and now neither the dream nor reality will ever die. I vow to continue to live this dream and push myself on to the next role, and the next, and the next, and the next… Because fairy tales are real, and they almost always have happy endings. Mine has.
Just four more shows remain for Laughter on the 23rdFloor, and then it’s all over. It’s hard to believe that this final week has creeped up so fast. I can still picture that first table read. That first rehearsal in the room of the box office, dreaming and impatient for the day we would be rehearsing on stage. Returning from Christmas break to see the stage ready to be set and used for the rest of our rehearsals and eventual run. I will never forget this experience, the people I have met, friends I have made, and the absolutely wonderful time I have had. At the end of all of this I believe more than ever before, that laughter is the key to happiness.
So, if you happen to be in the neighbourhood (or nowhere near the neighbourhood, wink wink – nudge nudge), why not join us for the final shows of my stage debut in Laughter on the 23rd Floor? Come see what a lucky girl I am to live out a dream, acting beside some of the funniest, talented and most interesting people I have met in a very long time. Their friendship, advice and example made this fun and easy. (And I can’t begin to tell you how much I’m going to miss them after the final show!)
Thank you to everyone who has believed in me and encouraged me in this little personal journey. I dedicate this experience to all of you, with love. You know who you are.
Live, love, LAUGH! xo